Just Words
by Celebrisilweth
Summary: Thorin and Fili take a short trip out of town. While they are gone Kili has a really bad day which only spirals downhill when the two return. Kili angst/hurt. Comforting big brother Fili.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**- Kili is 62, the equivalent of 14 in human years, so Fili is 67, approximately 16.

**Chapter 1: Negotiations**

Usually I just pull the covers farther over my head when daylight comes through our window. I'm always, "Just one more minute." Today I am up and dressed before my brother's feet hit the floor.

I know what Uncle Thorin has planned...and it doesn't include me, well not yet. He and Fili will leave shortly after sunrise, a time I rarely see, to deliver a load of weapons from the forge to a nearby village. Uncle hopes they will place another order, so supposedly this trip is to teach Fili about trade negotiations; after all, that will be important if...when Fili is king.

Uncle's already said I can't go because they don't need an extra dwarf tagging along. That's Thorin's code for, "You're too wild and reckless, Fili doesn't need to be distracted looking out for you, and I don't have the time...or the patience." My uncle may be a dwarf of few words, but he puts a lot of meaning in what he says.

I am not deterred. I have a plan.

" 'Morning, Kee?" my brother smiles at me questioningly.

"Yes, Fee, it is," I chirp back grinning.

Fili stops pulling on his trousers to pin me with an icy blue stare. "Kili, what's going on?"

"Nothing," I reply, my hands splayed out open before him and trying to keep a straight face. Unfortunately, he can read me better than one of Balin's scrolls. I don't want Thorin mad at Fili thinking he is in on my plan.

"Really?" Fili continues dressing. "Up at first light and nothing's going on? Kili, you know uncle said you couldn't come. It's not a long trip. We'll be back by mid-afternoon. Please don't make a scene."

"But Fee, it's not fair. I want to go, too." Oh, that came out wrong, too whiney.

Ignoring me, Fili sits back on his bed to redo his braids.

"Here, let me do that," I offer crossing the few steps to sit behind him and take up his hair. At least this gives me something else to do while I make my case. Besides I'm much better at braiding than he is.

"Don't I need to learn about negotiations, too?" I ask innocently while my fingers work through his hair.

My brother just sighs. He's not going to let me pull him into this argument. Good, this way it will be just Thorin and me.

I drop the finished braids tapping him on the shoulder. "There, now, you look every bit the dwarf prince ready for trade negotiations," I proclaim. Jumping up, I head for the door.

Mum and Uncle Thorin are already at the table. There's a place set for Fili. Of course my spot is empty. They didn't think I'd even be up yet. Mum starts to rise, but I put a hand on her shoulder. "No trouble, I'll get it."

I return to the table and help myself to bread and cheese.

Just as I take my first bite, Thorin turns to me his face solemn. "Kili, I said, 'NO'!"

"But...I..." I turn the weight of my big dark brown eyes on him, pleading. It's a look I've perfected over the years: those poor, innocent, little puppy dog eyes; and it's broken many, even Mr. Dwalin. It usually works on my uncle, too, but not today.

"Enough!" Thorin yells turning away, his hair flipping around. "Do not speak again."

I swallow hard biting back my disappointment. I had been so sure it would work. I stare at the bread and cheese before me, realizing that I have no more interest in food.

Quietly I rise and return to our room. I try to not be so disappointed. After all, it is market day and I'll go with Mum. It's just back to that old feeling in my gut that I'm not good enough for Thorin. He'll never be as proud of me as he is of Fili, his golden prince, his heir.

I stand with my back to the door, head bowed, eyes closed, as I try to quiet that gnawing pain of rejection. I should be used to it by now. At least I don't have tears in my eyes, yet. Yeah, that's another problem; dwarves aren't supposed to cry. We're strong and tough, like the stone we were made from. Yet my emotions roil too close to the surface, always have. I cry from frustration, from anger, from fear. It's just another sign of my weakness and inadequacy. It's no wonder Uncle is ashamed of me.

I whip around when I hear the door snick open.

"Kee?" Fili calls tentatively. "I'm sorry."

" 's not your fault," I manage. I just want him to leave, not rub my nose in another failure.

"We'll do something this afternoon when I get back," he promises.

I say nothing in response, gaze turned again to the floor, my dark hair hanging down to hide my face.

Fili crosses to stand in front of me. He puts his hands on my shoulders. "OK?" I guess he wants an answer. Thankfully, he doesn't make me look up at him.

" 'K" I mutter.

"Good then." He pulls me into a hug that I return only half-heartedly. Then he's gone and I hear the front door close.

I stand for a few more minutes wondering just what it will take for me to please my uncle, for him to be proud of me just once. I've been thinking about this for nearly sixty years, and I'm still not any closer to the answer.

"Oh well," I sigh. "Time to put on my 'Kili's always happy' face."

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**A/N**- The first few chapters setting up the story will be shorter with longer chapters to follow. I expect 10-11 chapters with updates 2x/week. Reviews greatly appreciated and they fuel the writing/editing process.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Middle Earth or the characters. They belong to J.R.R. Tolkien (and sometimes Peter Jackson). I receive no profit (except my own amusement).

Chapter 2: To Market

I walk with Mum to the market and leave her chatting with some dwarrowdams at a vegetable cart. Why do we even need vegetables? We aren't elves.

Of course, Mum doesn't expect me to stay with her. She just tells me to be home by supper and to not get into trouble. We both know that's a useless warning, but I guess it makes her feel better knowing she tried, especially since Fili isn't here to temper my schemes. Then again I'm not really in the moods for pranks today.

So I wander the stalls looking for something new or different. I can't find anything that interests me. Market day is usually such fun, but it's just not the same without Fili. Finally I turn my steps towards one of my favorite places, Bifur and Bofur's toy shop.

All my life the toy shop has been a magical place. As a dwarfling I spent many hours playing here. Our small toy chest had been filled with their creations. Fili and I had spent hours playing with our little carved dwarrow warriors. And I particularly liked my dragon with wheels that rolled across the floor. Uncle Thorin didn't like it though, so I could only play with it when he was away which had been a lot of the time when I was younger. Bofur had even carved special presents for our naming days one year. Fili got a lion and mine was a raven, because that's what Mum called us sometimes: her Lion Prince and her Raven Prince.

I enter the shop still reflecting on the craftsmanship of the two toy makers. Their designs are intricate and unique. Then again they are special themselves. Bifur has an axe head embedded in his skull and speaks only Khuzdul, and I'm not sure he even understands that all the time. Bofur, his brother, always wears this ridiculous hat and a broad smile. He has a quick wit and is just as likely to break into song as he is to talk to you. If Bofur can't cheer me up, then I guess no one can.

"Ah, Kili, my lad," Bofur hails, coming from the back of the shop, wiping small wood peelings from his hands. "Where's Fili?"

Not what I want to hear, but then it could be expected. We go everywhere together. We are more like Fili-Kili then Fili and Kili. I do my best to mask my disappointment by staring at the floor.

"Out," I mumble, "with Thorin."

"So that's the way o' it." The toy maker's head bobs up and down in perceptive acknowledgement as if he had overheard our conversation this morning. "Well, dinna ya worry, Kili. I've got just the thing". His face breaks into that trademark smile.

Putting his arm around my shoulders, he draws me towards the back room. "I've got a proposition for ya."

Behind a curtain Bifur sits hunched over the work bench painstakingly whittling a small part. So engrossed in his work, the older dwarf doesn't even acknowledge our presence.

The moment I see their project my mouth drops open in wonder. Before me on the workbench stands a snow-covered mountain. Dwarf warriors encircle the base and ravens seem to fly around the peak attached by slender wires. Guarding the doorway are two tall statues. Although I have never seen it, I know that this is Erebor...the stuff of legends. I can recite Thorin's (and Mum's and Balin's) stories about his former home. Then Bofur releases a latch and the mountain swings open to reveal mine works complete with little miners and mine cars that actually move.

All I can do is gawk at the intricate workmanship...and envy the dwarfling who'll get to play with it. I'm almost sorry that I'm past the age for such toys. Fili and I would have had so much fun with this when we were younger.

"I kin see that ya like it," Bofur grins while his brother mumbles something unintelligible.

"I do!" Reaching out I pick up a miner to examine. My own goofy grin, as Fili calls it, is back on my face for real.

"Ah, but you see," my friend continues. "It's not done yet. What we're doing now requires the both o' us together." Bofur pauses briefly to make sure I'm following through to his conclusion. "But if we work together, we've no one to be mindin' the store," he beams rocking back and forth.

"You mean you want me to work in the front?" I ask incredulous. I have helped out before. They've let me unload toys and stock shelves. I had always liked doing that; what dwarfling wouldn't want to work in a toy store? Eventually I had realized that this was just a way to keep me busy so Mum and Uncle Thorin could go about their business without worrying how I was getting into trouble. I suppose Bifur and Bofur don't mind babysitting.

Bofur laughs again, his mouth turning up into his trademark grin.

" Really, ya just have to stay out front for a little while. 'N' if a customer comes in the prices are marked. Mind you, if they want to haggle, come get me, I'd best be takin' care of that, laddie" He may trust me to keep an eye on things, but Bofur's a true merchant when it comes to coin."

Since I don't have anything else to do until Fili returns, and Mum's busy shopping, why not? At least Bofur has some faith in me. What could possibly go wrong?

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**A/N- **Thanks to all who have reviewed, followed, favorited, and simply read. This chapter may not be very exciting, but it is part of the set up. Please R&R.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Once again thanks to all who have read, reviewed, followed and favored.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing of Middle Earth and I make no profit save ego-stroking.

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Chapter 3: Set-Up and Fall

There actually are some toys to be placed on shelves and I go to work arranging them. I watch the front while Bifur and Bofur stay busy in their workroom. The little shop is quiet save the occasional string of Khuzdul and a few hearty laughs. Unfortunately for my friends, even though it is market day, the shop is never busy.

After a long while, a lassie steps in. I know her. She's younger than Fili by a couple of years, but older than I. Her name's Erda and she has a brother, Einar. They had sometimes played with us when we were little dwarflings. I remember playing dwarrows and dragons with Erda once. She had hidden behind a tree but her braids stuck out from behind the trunk. She'd pouted and stomped her foot when I found her tagging her as the next dragon.

I haven't seen her in years but there is no mistaking that light brown hair with the glints of auburn. Today she wears it with a plait coming from either side to meet and form a third braid down her back and small silver beads adorn two little beard braids. Her eyes are still the color of bright emeralds and her cheeks are light pink.

I had liked her when we were younger and seeing her now brings back fond memories of playing in the fields of Ered Luin. As we had grown over the years, between lessons with Mr. Balin and training with Mr. Dwalin, Fili and I spent most of our spare time together instead of with our other playmates. Seeing Erda now it strikes me that I might want to reacquaint myself with her. If Thorin will be demanding more of Fili's time, then I might need some other friends.

As acting representative for the store, I approach.

"Kili, at your service," I bow smiling

Erna stares, surprised to find me there, as if I were the last dwarf she expected to see. The silence, however. lasts only briefly as she composes herself and replies, "Erda, at yours."

"Looking for something special today?" I grin.

"Ah..a..yes," she stammers still a bit unsure. "I need a naming day present for a ten year old dwarfling, my cousin."

She couldn't have come to a better place. I remember hours spent playing with Bofur's wonderful toys, which obviously makes me an expert. I glance around, quickly spying several different examples, suitable for her cousin, and begin to show them to her. I see Bofur look on from the doorway nodding his approval as we move from one selection to the next while I explain the appeal and benefits of each piece.

Finally Erda decides on a set of dwarvish fighting figures which I assure her is an excellent choice. Bofur ambles over to finish the transaction and then I walk her to the door.

"I hope your cousin enjoys it," I offer. "Maybe I'll see you around."

Erda pauses looking back, "Maybe," she returns flatly as she leaves.

Turning back I meet Bofur's grin. "Well done, laddie... Think ya might fancy her a bit?" Bofur teases.

"What?" I ask not really understanding his question. Then it hits me and I realize what Bofur's implying even though I don't understand why he would think that. I was just being friendly and trying to sell something. "Nah," I manage, ducking my head and looking to the floor a little embarrassed at his insinuation.

Bofur chuckles, nudging me with his elbow, then goes back to work leaving me to ponder what just happened.

Shortly the toymaker returns wiping his hands. "Well, we finally got that part finished, thanks to you. I hear Bombur's got some fresh apple tarts today." Bofur flips me a coin, "Go enjoy yourself."

"Thanks, Mr. Bofur," I grin. Having skipped breakfast, not counting the one bite of cheese and biscuit, my stomach is starting to rumble. One of Bombur's excellent pies will be more than welcome and I hurry to get one before they are all gone.

Not long after I'm perched on a railing enjoying a bit of shade and my treat. Bombur is an excellent cook, as evidenced by his sizable girth; and his apple tarts are one of my favorites. I take another bite, the warm juice running down my chin. I swipe my arm across my face, for once relieved that, although I'm well past the age for having a beard, my face is smooth with only the barest hint of stubble. So I don't have to worry about a sticky beard like Fili would.

Sighing, I reflect that the day is turning out better than I imagined. Even if my brother is gone with Uncle Thorin, I'm having fun. My stomach has stopped rumbling and I'm looking forward to the afternoon hoping that Fili will be home soon.

Then from around the corner I hear giggling followed by a voice that I recognize as belonging to Erda.

"...I think he was flirting with me," she laughs.

Suddenly I sit up paying closer attention. Did she say 'flirting'? No, I wasn't flirting. I was just being friendly. Then I remember Bofur's comment. No, this isn't...my thought is interrupted by another voice.

"Oh, no...Not Kili," she laughs. "He's so...so...," she falters searching for the right word.

"Ugly?" a third voice offers. Now they are all laughing.

For the second time today I think I might choke on my food. I feel my face flush crimson while all I can do is pray to Mahal that they just keep walking and not look down the side street where I sit. My mind screams for me to run, but I am frozen in place, knowing I don't want to hear any more they have to say, yet perversely drawn to their words.

"He's too thin."..."His nose is too small"..."Can't even grow a beard." Their words seem to run on top of each other as they take turns listing my physical faults.

I've heard all these things before...for years, usually from the lads, and mostly when I was younger. In fact, there had been many days I had come home bruised and bloody from defending my honor. Sometimes Fili had gotten involved since he was always trying to protect me. He still is. But now, hearing those same slurs from the lasses aches in an entirely different way.

I chance a quick glance towards the voices. None of them seem to be looking in my direction; but they are just standing at the cross-paths. Why can't they just keep walking? Oh, Mahal, please.

"His bones are too delicate for a dwarf...more like an elf." They start up again.

"I bet that's why he doesn't braid his hair- to cover up his pointy elf-ears," Erda smirks.

"He uses a bow instead of an axe or sword. That's not even a dwarvish weapon."

That's not true. I do use a sword. I've spent hours training with Mr. Dwalin and I've had the bruises to prove it. I just prefer my bow, and I'm good with it. I've proven that over many harsh Ered Luin winters when my kills kept us from starving.

"My adad says he's probably elf-spawn." The lasses are no longer laughing and their words have a cold and cruel edge.

"Well, he better just go to the elves if he's looking for his chosen," Erda declares. " 'cause no respectable dwarrowdam will ever choose him."

Her declaration cuts like a knife, shoved into my gut then twisted. The fierceness of all their words makes me sick; my heart races and I struggle to breathe, the air around me feeling thick. I know I should leave now. I can't afford to stay and hear anymore, but my feet are still rooted in place. I stare at the ground no longer daring to look their way.

"My adad says Prince Thorin should have never let him draw breath."

"Good thing Fili is Prince Thorin's heir. No dwarf would ever follow that elf-spawn"

My head whips around at that final assertion, just as Erda glances down the street where I stand. Our eyes lock for the briefest of seconds before I tear my gaze away. My paralysis finally broken, I drop the unfinished apple tart and flee, running blindly. I can hardly see through the tears that now flow freely. All the way home I imagine that I hear their laughter and slurs following me.

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**A/N:** What sweet little dwarf girls. So, this was originally 2 short chapters, but I wanted to get past setting the stage and into the meat of the story. Hope you enjoy and let me know with your reviews.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** There be angst and self-deprication ahead.

**Disclaimer:** No ownership claimed. No profit garnered.

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Chapter 4: Tortured Thoughts

I do not know exactly how I make it home as I register nothing in my frantic flight until I am tearing through the front door. I'm vaguely aware that I am alone in the house; Mum isn't back yet, thankfully. I run into the room I share with my oh-so-perfect brother. Slamming the door, I yank off my boots and throw myself on the bed trying to hide from my shame.

My head pounds as my heart races, the blood drumming in my ears and I can feel the flush in my cheeks. My breath comes in ragged gasps as I try to suck in air; my chest tightening as if to suffocate me. At last I manage to draw air into my burning lungs but it turns into heaving sobs as tears stream unchecked down my cheeks. I have no words to describe the devastation I feel. There is a great weight is pushing down on me, threatening to crush me.

I can still hear their laughter, their voices mocking me, and those words: no beard...too tall...small nose... half-elf...elf spawn... running incessantly through my mind. I feel humiliated, betrayed, and rejected as I have many times before. Only I am no longer a dwarfling and cannot understand why these words still try to shread my gut.

Then my mind adds its own litany:...stupid...reckless...disappointment...worthless.

Then I know. That's why Thorin didn't take me today. He knows I don't need to learn trade negotiations because I'm not a real dwarf. I'll never be a leader- no one will follow me. They said so.

Or is he just too ashamed of me? He is, after all, Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain, albeit in exile. He's proud, respected, majestic. His words carry weight. He is a hero and the leader to the displaced of Ered Luin. Yet, what am I, a mistake...a misfit...an accident?

_Thorin should have never let him draw breath._ Those words, full of poison and vitriol, rip through my gut again. Is that what everyone thinks?... Does Thorin know they think this?... Does Thorin think this, too? Is he sorry I'm alive?

I know the story of my birth. Mum had gone into labor two months early when she learned Da had been killed in an orc raid outside the village. It was a terrible night with a violent storm and life disrupted by the day's battle. Oin had told Mum and Uncle that it was too early for her to deliver; but he couldn't stop the labor. When I was born I didn't cry. I didn't even breathe. Oin told Mum and Uncle Thorin there was nothing he could do. I was too little. He said even if I lived, I would not survive the cold Ered Luin winter. He had wrapped me in a blanket and laid me aside then returned to care for Mum who was having complications. But it wasn't over yet.

Fili had wanted a baby brother so badly. When Oin had called Uncle into the room, Fili had slipped in also. At only five, he couldn't understand why his Da had gone and now his brother had gone to be with Da, too. They had let him hold me; it wasn't as if he could hurt me. He unwrapped the blankets for a better look at the little brother he had hoped to play with, exposing my naked skin to the cold air. They hadn't even cleaned the fluid and blood from my small body, so Fili wiped me with the blankets, rubbing my back up and down over and over, talking to me, and begging me not to leave. Finally I gasped, then cried.

Had they known from looking at me when I was born that I didn't look like a dwarf? Was it a conscious decision not to fight for my life? Was Thorin sorry he'd let Fili hold me? Is he sorry now?

Maybe it's no wonder that Thorin is never pleased with what I do. I couldn't even be born right. I have been an embarrassment to him from the day I was born.

There are so many unanswered questions swirling around my mind until I can't even think, so I cry and sob until I have no more tears and my throat is raw. My breath hitches in my throat and my sides ache from the exertion. Oh, Mahal, now even I wish Fili had never held me.

It is with that dark thought that I finally allow myself to slip into the darkness of exhausted sleep, the only way I can escape my thoughts.

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading. Sorry it's short, but I can write only so much angst at a time. Let me know what you think.

Just for reference, since dwarrows age differently from humans, pregnancy should last longer. I equate 2 months early to about 34 - 35 weeks human gestation.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** A little more angst and a decision.

**Disclaimer: T**hanks to Prof. JRRT and Sir PJ for creating a world I can play in because I don't own any of Middle Earth, nor do I profit from it.

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Chapter 6: Flight

When I wake, I can tell by the shadows in my room that it's mid-afternoon. My throat is still raw and my eyes burn, but at least now I can breathe. I pull myself up sitting with my back against the wall, knees drawn to my chest. I pull fingers through my tousled hair wishing I could as easily pull those horrible words from my mind, but I keep hearing them over and over. They run in an unbroken litany of condemnation. I wrap my arms around my legs.

Bowing my head I try to concentrate on good memories, the ones I had used to comfort myself as a dwarfling when I'd had my failures thrown in my face. They are pictures of Mum tucking me in at night, Fili comforting me after a nightmare, and Uncle Thorin riding me on his shoulders. They are reflections of a happier time before responsibilities and princely expectations. They usually bring me out of the spiral of negative thoughts, but, this time, they don't help. Sighing I drop my head to my knees.

Almost immediately my head jerks back up as I hear the front door close. I hope it's Mum back from market, but the way my day's gone, I should know better. I hear heavy boots tread the floor. Fili and Thorin are home. I close my eyes hoping they will just turn around and leave for I am not ready to face them yet.

"Kili?" Fili's voice rings out, "We're home."

Suddenly my breath hitches and my chest feels as if it's being crushed all over again. My head pounds and I feel myself begin to tremble. Panic threatens to grip me because I know what's going to happen, and I don't want to explain things to Fili. I just can't talk about it.

I remember my brother had said he would spend the afternoon with me. I don't answer, maybe he'll think I'm not home yet. For the love of Mahal, Fili, please don't come in here.

No such luck for the door to our room opens. I do not look up, knowing my hair covers my face. I don't want him to see me like this and I don't trust myself not to cry again if we fight.

"Kee,...still pouting about this morning?" Fili quips lightly.

I ignore him. Why does he just assume I'm pouting?...Oh, yeah, he's right, I do pout don't I?... But I'm not pouting, not this time, and it's just one more validation of my unworthiness.

"Kili, what's wrong?" I hear Fili step across the floor his voice more serious.

"Nothing," I mumble still not meeting his gaze. I cannot have this conversation now.

Fili sits on my bed. "Come on. I know you better than that." When I don't respond, he puts his fingers under my chin, just as I knew he would, and raises my head.

"You've been crying, Kee." His voice is full of concern and normally that would be enough for me to confide in my brother; but today, I find no comfort in his words.

"It's all right. I was only gone for a little while. Now we have all afternoon to do whatever you want." Do I detect a hint of exasperation in Fili's comment?

"That's...Not...It." I say through clenched teeth, trying to bite back my disappointment that he thinks I am so shallow.

"Then tell me what's wrong, nadadith." Fili strokes the back of my hair and tries to pull me into a hug.

Fili's reactions are as predictable to me as my moods are to him. He has always been my comforting big brother. When I had night terrors as a dwarfling, he'd always hold me, stroking my hair, and talking softly until I quit trembling and slept. Only I do not want to be held right now. I cannot bear to hear him tell me that everything will be fine when I know it won't. It'll never be fine. I wish that he could make all those horrible thoughts go away, but I know he can't.

"It doesn't matter." I pull away from him. We both know it's a lie.

"Kee, please," he begs. "Look at me."

I shake my head scooting away from him all the while knowing he will not let this drop.

"Fili." Uncle Thorin's voice rumbles through the house.

I see my chance then.

"You'd better go," I offer.

I am aware that Fili is torn between answering Thorin and staying to cajole me into confiding in him. He wants nothing more than to pester me until he drags out my secret; but then he doesn't want to disappoint Thorin. After all, Fili is the heir, the golden prince, and he never disappoints Uncle, unlike me.

"Fili." This time the call is edged with impatience.

"Just go," I practically yell at him.

Slowly he crawls from the bed and heads for the front room, obviously torn between duty and need.

"I'll be back and we'll get this settled, whatever it is," Fili calls back over his shoulder trying to reassure me.

I do not answer because I know that I cannot stay here waiting for his return. The urge to leave is overwhelming and I feel trapped as if the walls are collapsing in on me. My body revolts as my heart thrums and my breath catches in my throat. My stomach churns threatening to disgorge the little I've eaten today and my eyes sting from tears that have yet to fall.

My mind races. I have no way of knowing how long Fili will be gone. Thorin could have another task for him, want to discuss their trip, or just say he'll be back for supper. He could be gone for hours or come right back. I know must move now.

As soon as the bedroom door shuts, I bolt off the bed. I cannot be here when Fili returns. I cannot discuss things with him. I need to get outside, away, alone.

I grab a boot and try to jam my foot in but it doesn't go easily. I have forgotten that my boots are getting a little tight and that I will have to work to get them on. Cursing I throw the boot across the room. I don't have time to waste. Fili can't come back and find me like this, much less Thorin. I glance around the room, panicked.

The urge to leave immediately is too great. Barefoot I climb out the window and drop to the ground. It's so much easier now than when I was a dwarfling scrambling out to avoid punishment.

I hit the ground and run knowing I need to put as much distance between Fili and myself as I can before he finds that I am gone. I don't even pay attention to where I'm headed as long as it is away from the front of the house. I know the land all around our little settlement- the old mine where we were forbidden to play, the lake where we fish, and the forest where we hunt. My destination is not as important as just getting away.

My escape is fueled by panic-driven adrenaline, and I recognize that my path is leading towards the tree line. I tear into the forest where branches slap at my face and hands, but I do not feel them. The ground is rough and uneven littered with dead wood, roots, and rocks, however I am oblivious to all sensation other than the crushing urge to escape.

In my haste my foot catches on a root and I trip pitching forward into the underbrush. I throw my hands out to break my fall even as I land face down, my hands scraping across the woody debris. My abraded palms burn, but I pull myself up and run on.

I do not stop till I reach a large tree with branching limbs. I jump up, grabbing the lowest branch, and swing one leg up over the limb, then haul myself up into the tree. I climb to where the trunk splits and two branches form a little nook. This is one of my favorite spots in the woods. I come here a lot to think. Today I just want the familiar forest sights and sounds to calm my roiling emotions.

I settle with my back against the trunk, straddling a branch, legs swinging free. I sit letting my racing heart slow and my breathing return to normal while I drink in the aromatic scents of cedar and fir. I listen to the call of birds and the hum of insects as the woods lure me into a sense of security. I sigh as a soft breeze ripples my hair and my thoughts begin to wander.

Maybe everyone's right. Perhaps I am part elf. I love the woods and climbing trees. Sometimes I just feel the need to be outside, not cooped up inside I wasn't born in the mountain. We live in a house for there are no massive mountain halls and chambers in Ered Luin as there was in Erebor. Much of our mountain still lies in ruins save for a few usable rooms, which serve as Thorin's Halls on the rare occasion that we need them and, the mine itself. Even our forges are outside of the mountain. Uncle Thorin would have liked to have restored those halls, but there was never the time nor money to do so. As dwarves in exile our people had to work to pay our way, and the basic survival of his people was more important than reclaiming the splendor of Belegost.

I'm not even sure how I would feel about living inside a mountain. I've never heard the stone call to me like the others do. Dwarrow shouldn't be like that. They should want their feet on the ground, to feel the stone beneath them. They are sturdy and strong, yet I am lithe, my build more delicate. I've been told it's because I was born early, but now I wonder.

I lean back closing my eyes trying to still the jumble of thoughts swirling in my mind. I need to make sense of it all...to weigh my choices...to know what I should believe and what I should do.

I have been lost deep in thought because when I open my eyes again the shadows are lengthening and I realize I'll have to hurry to make it home before supper. Mum said to be home in time to eat. If I'm late, they will be words and I can't afford to have another run-in with Thorin today. At least I have come to some conclusions, right or wrong. Vaguely I note that Fili has not come looking for me.

I feel exhausted, the aftermath of adrenaline let down. My body aches as if I've been pummeled, while my calf muscles tell me I will not make it home as quickly as I came here. Dwarrow are made for steady endurance, distance running, not the all-out sprints I've done twice today.

I stretch working sore muscles then pull my right leg up preparing to stand on the branch. My feet are sore but I did run here without boots. As I put my foot on the branch and start to lift my weight, agony jolts through my sole and up my leg. I gasp at the unexpected pain. Then my foot slips from the branch. I drop back down straddling the branch. I try to groan, but I can't even breathe, the pain in my foot temporarily forgotten.

When I can breathe again, I pull my trouser leg up to look. I must have scraped my leg when I slipped because there is an abrasion oozing blood from ankle to at least knee.

One at a time I check my feet. My face pales at what I see. The run through the forest was not kind. The soles of both feet are cut and bruised with a couple of deeper gashes and a gouge where I must have stepped down on the end of a stick. They are also covered in dirt and dried leaves. My panic had kept me from registering the pain in my headlong flight. Only now there is no adrenaline rush and no crushing thoughts to keep the misery at bay.

I rub my hands over my face. They sting and I pull them away to see dried blood on my palms. They, too, are crisscrossed with little cuts and abrasions. I remember running with my hands out in front of me to push aside branches in my way and then falling with my hands sliding across the ground.

Oh, Mahal, how am I ever going to get home on time? I can't even run away and hide without messing it up. Just one more failure for reckless, worthless Kili. I throw my head back and laugh. Unlike my normal, infectious laugh, this sound is harsh and grating and dark.

Mum is not going to be happy, but I rip the hem of my tunic into strips to bandage my feet. Hissing I wind the strips around and secure them. They are not pretty and Oin would be appalled but at least my feet now have some protection for what little it will help.

Now I've no choice but to grit my teeth and get on with it. This time I brace for the pain in my feet as I pull them up and put my weight on them. I bite back a cry as knives of pain lance up my legs and I stand gasping until the hurt lessens to a bearable level. Then I continue.

Slowly I start my descent hoping that the bandages will protect the scabs on my feet and give me better traction for the climb. I slip once or twice but am able to hold my position with my hands even though they are now slick with blood where the scabs have pulled away from holding tree bark.

I am most of the way down when I hear the unmistakable call.

"K.i..i..i..l..i..i...i."

"No, no, no," I shake my head in disbelief. Of all the rotten timing.

Fili is looking for me. Of course he is. Mahal knows how long he's been searching, but he knows this is my favorite tree. It's only a matter of time till he finds me. I don't even bother answering, just keep climbing and wondering how much trouble I'm in. Is he the only one searching for me or are there others? Please let Thorin not be with him.

Finally I reach the last branch. My muscles are screaming, my limbs shaking; but I am almost out of the tree. There is no other way down now but to hang by my hands and drop to the forest floor. I'm not looking forward to landing on my feet. I swallow hard, clamp my jaw shut and let go.

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**A/N: **Nadadith = little brother

A long chapter this time and a bit of a cliffhanger...sorry, but it makes a good chapter break. Once again thanks to everyone who's reading and following. I'm trying to answer the reviews where I can, so keep those reviews coming because reviews = hugs for Kili.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N**: A bit shorter chapter. Please read the A/N at the bottom before you yell at me. Thanks again for reading & reviewing. I'm trying to answer all the reviews where I can.

**Disclaimer: **No ownership/no profit.

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Chapter 6: Heading Home

Apparently my fear was well-founded. As I drop to the ground my feet are engulfed in pain, my legs shaking from exertion of the climb. I try, unsuccessfully, to bite back my cry as I pitch forward onto my hands and knees, adding new bruises.

"Kili!" I hear Fili's panicked yell.

I know Fili is close. I push myself up and take a tentative step forward. I gasp but do not fall. I manage a few more steps before I stop, panting, and cursing myself for my own stupidity. I might be able to make it home by myself...by morning. I let myself lean against a tree and slide to the ground, dropping my head into my hands. I run fingers through my hair and wait for my brother.

Then Fili stands before me. "Kili? Why didn't you wait for me?"

I detect a hint of hurt behind his words. Slowly I look up to my brother. His expression is a mix of both relief and fear as he rakes his gaze over me. I expect him to grab me in a tight bear hug as he usually does after we've been apart. But that doesn't happen now, instead, he keeps questioning me.

"Kee, what have you done now?" Fili asks quietly, not condemning. No, rather, his voice hints of resignation as if he fully expected me to be hurt or in trouble. At least I am consistent and do not disappoint him.

Fili looks at the ragged bandages on my feet. "Where are your boots?"

It doesn't matter, so I don't answer, just drop my eyes. He sounds like Mum does when she asks a question she does not expect answered.

"Oh, nadadith," Fili shakes his head and drops to his knees before me. He puts his hands on my shoulders and now pulls me into a hug. This time I don't resist. I return his embrace, relieved for the comfort I had rejected earlier.

"Let me see," Fili releases me and without waiting for an answer, begins to unwind the strips of cloth on one foot. He shakes his head and looks up at me. I meet his gaze, but neither of us speaks. There is no need. Next he raises my ripped pants leg to reveal the abrasion. Finally he takes my hands and turns them palms up to find the scrapes and scratches.

"There's nothing more we can do here," Fili says rising to his feet. "Let's get you home."

He bends down to pick me up.

"No," I snap. "I can walk"

"Really?" He asks, rolling his eyes, exasperated.

How many times have we had similar conversations? We are both hesitant to admit when we are injured. It might be seen as a sign of weakness and we don't want the other one to worry. It's a pride thing I suppose; it would be shameful to appear weak.

"Just help me up and let me lean on you," I return, not rising to his bait. Since Fili knows how stubborn I am, he doesn't even respond, just offers me his hand and pulls me up. I hiss as I bear my full weight, but just nod. With my arm over my brother's shoulder and his around my waist we set out.

Naturally, the progress is slow. Each step feels like I'm walking on shards of glass and I bite my cheeks to keep from groaning. My limp becomes progressively worse the farther we go, with Fili bearing more of my weight with each step. I have no doubt he knows that I'm struggling but, for once, he indulges me by saying nothing.

When I stumble, he manages to hold me up, but then stops and lowers me to the ground.

"I'll be OK in a minute..." I start.

Fili shakes his head. "That's it," he declares glaring. "You have two choices. Either you spend the night out here alone and apparently unarmed..." He has obviously noticed that I am without my bow, arrows or sword, another mistake I'd made in my panic to leave home.

"You wouldn't just leave me." I interrupt as I stare up at him, my eyes wide and frowning in disbelief. Fili would never leave me alone; he had promised many years ago that he would never do that. He can't mean it.

"Try me, nadadith." he snaps his face unyielding, and I fear that Fili is really mad at me.

I swallow hard trying to determine if he's actually furious with me or if he's just scared before I dare to answer.

"Or," Fili continues smugly, "You can let me carry you."

"I..."

"All I want to hear is your choice," Fili cuts me off, his voice as cold as the steel of his swords.

For long minutes I stare at the ground trying to swallow my stubborn Durin pride.

Finally, I manage a weak, "Carry me."

Fili relaxes flashing a smile, "Wise decision."

Once again he offers me a hand up then stoops so I can climb on his back. I wrap my arms around his neck while he puts his hands under my knees, and then we start home in silence.

After a few steps, I lean my head against his. I smile as I remember being a little raven-haired dwarfling riding on his big brother's shoulders, my cheek pressed against his golden locks. I guess the only difference now is our size...and the fact that I am leaning against his double scabbard and twin swords. Not quite as comfortable, but still, we are going home.

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**A/N: **Yes, I know that Fili isn't all "concerned big brother will make it all right." Comforting Fili comes later. Right now he thinks Kili ran away because he was pouting over being left behind and then having Fili desert him again when Thorin called. In other words, he thinks his little brother is being a brat. Unfortunately, Kili has no way of knowing that and since this fic is written in 1st person, Kili can't explain what he doesn't know. So please don't get mad at Fili.-And as always please review; Kee and I really like them.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **This chapter is longer. Hope you enjoy. Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own/Don't profit.

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Chapter 7: Home Coming

Home...at last...I can see light flicker through the windows even though the sun has not completely set. I can just imagine the resignation that I'll see on Mum"s face and the irritation on Uncle's. How Thorin will be proven right in his decision not to take me on the trip today because I am not ready. He thinks I'm still too much of a dwarfling, even though Fili lacks ten years before coming of age himself. They will consider this as just one more of my stupid, reckless stunts., and the evidence that their interpretation is accurate.

As Fili walks through the door with me, Mum looks up from setting the table taking in my torn clothes and the bloody bandages on my feet.

"Oh, Kili," Running over she reaches out to touch my cheek. "What happened?"

Not ready to talk about it, I shake my head and look away, not wanting to see her disappointment.

Thorin, too, moves from his seat before the hearth, taking in my bedraggled appearance. "I'll get Oin," he growls shaking his head, irritated. He's used to it by now, Oin's frequent visits, usually for me but sometimes for Fili. At least Uncle doesn't say what he's thinking, although I can see the embarrassment in his eyes, like I have so many times before. I duck my head to avoid his glare.

Fili continues into our room with Mum following. He sits me on the bed then steps back turning to look at me. "I don't suppose you want to talk about it yet." It's not a question.

I shake my head not meeting his eyes either, afraid of what I might see there for at times I do things that even Fili doesn't understand. Sometimes even I don't know why I do them. "

I'm sorry," I mumble. "Thanks for coming after me and bringing me home."

What else can I say? Just like Thorin, they think that this is all about my not getting to go this morning. I'm still not ready to talk about what happened today and the hateful things I overheard. I know I will not be able to avoid it forever, but I just can't do it now.

"Kee, I'll always come after you. You know that," Fili returns ruffling my hair. "Let's get you cleaned up before Oin gets here." Fili shrugs off his scabbard.

Assured that I am conscious and coherent, Mum shakes her head returning to the kitchen, to get things ready for Oin. She's done this so many times before that she can anticipate what our healer will need. Sometimes I wonder why he hasn't just left a healing kit at our house.

While we wait, I change clothes and wipe off most of the dirt. I sit on my bed feet hanging over the edge Fili is seated behind me pulling twigs and leaves from my tangled hair, neither of us speaking.

I stare at my boots lying where I had thrown them earlier. I take a deep breath. If only I hadn't panicked. If only I had taken the time to pull them on. If only I looked more like a dwarf...acted more like dwarf...I feel my eyes burn with the start of tears and slam the door shut on that line of thinking. I refuse to cry in front of Oin. Quickly I blink away the moisture and focus on my hands.

The closing front door heralds Thorin's return with our healer. Soon everyone is crammed into our little room. Oin looks from me to Mum to Thorin and back to me. "So, lad, tell me what happened."

Now I have no choice but to explain the reckless thing I have done without thinking. I do not look up from my hands where I have been fingering the scrapes on them.

"I ran through the woods barefooted."

"You what?" Thorin bellows, taking a step forward.

I flinch at his tone and Fili puts his hands on my shoulders and squeezes in a show of support.

Mum grabs uncle's arm, "Not now, Thorin," she chides. He looks at her for a moment and nods his head briefly. My gut clinches knowing I will have to face him later.

Oin nods then reaches for my hands. "Just a few scratches here. We'll take care of this first." It stings as he cleans my hands then applies some salve to prevent infection. They are not deep enough to need bandaging, but Oin wraps them anyway. I suppose that will keep the ointment on. So far it isn't too bad.

Next Oin turns to the abrasion on my leg. Once again, he cleans the area. The scrape is not deep but it is painful and I gasp as he starts to scrub it clean. Finally he applies some more infection-preventing ointment and bandages.

Then it's time for my feet.

I know he will have to remove the strips of fabric I had wound around them. What I haven't thought about is the blood that has dried onto the fabric. Oin unwinds the pitiful bandage on my left foot. When he removes the final layer the scabs rip away opening the cuts again. Unprepared for the flash of pain, I howl and reflexively jerk my foot out of his grip, fairly certain now that I really do not want Oin's help.

I try to pull myself even farther away from the healer, but Fili is still behind me. As if anticipating how I would react, Fili throws his arms around me pulling me back against his chest in a tight bear hug. I don't tolerate healers very well, and I rarely co-operate with their instructions to rest or take their potions, not wanting to appear helpless or weak. Dwarrow should be strong and sturdy. We just force down the pain and carry on...at least that's what we try to do. I don't always succeed.

I squirm trying to break Fili's grip to no avail. I can't pry his arms away from me. All I can do is keep my leg drawn up out of the healer's reach.

"Kili!" Three voices ring out in chorus, a mix of anger, warning, and concern.

Oin, alone, doesn't yell at me; he simply turns to Mum to ask, "Could you get me a cup of chamomile tea, please?" She nods and leaves, undoubtedly glad not to have to watch my embarrassing dwarfling behavior any more.

This time Thorin does cross the room, glaring at me with his piercing blue eyes. "That's enough," he warns as he sits on the bed beside me putting his hand on my knee and forcing it flat, and not very gently.

I stop struggling, but it is not because of Thorin. For at the same moment Fili tightens his hold around my chest even more making it a little hard to breathe. He leans close to hiss tersely in my ear, "Stop, now." Where I expect Thorin's anger, I do not anticipate the disapproval in my brother's words.

I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath trying to calm myself. So Fili is mad at me, too. He's always been there for me, but this time, I guess I have crossed the line of his tolerance, too.

As I consciously relax my muscles slumping back against Fili, he loosens his tight grip around me. I know that every dwarf in the room thinks this is just another example of my immaturity; but I didn't do it on purpose. What started out as a purely reflex knee-jerk reaction turns into one more strike of condemnation against my name. I don't even try to explain. I doubt they would believe me.

I realize I need to salvage whatever dignity I can from the situation, so I resolve to stay still and keep my mouth shut. I'm just not sure I can control my reflexes any better. Not only do my feet hurt, but the soles are very ticklish, as Fili can attest. When I was little and Fili would try to get back at me for something, he resorted to tickling. After a while, I learned to curl into a ball to protect my stomach and ribs. Then he had just attacked my feet until I was screaming and begging him to stop the torture. Even years later, I seriously doubt I can sit through Oin's ministrations without moving. Of course, that will not be an acceptable excuse.

"Sorry, laddie, I didn't realize that would happen," Oin offers, taking my foot in his hands again. "I guess you did more damage than I thought. Bear with me while I clean this up and we'll see what we've got"

I nod and bite down on my cheeks while Oin cleans the blood and dirt from my foot. Whatever he uses makes my foot feel like it on fire, but I do not move because Thorin and Fili still have me pinned tight. Neither do I make any noise, save an occasional quick intake of breath, despite the discomfort of Oin's actions.

Mum returns with the tea and Oin nods towards me. Fili loosens his grip just enough for me to take the cup in one hand. I hate chamomile tea, but I know I have no choice. Either I drink it on my own or one of them will force it down my throat, so I drink.

Once finished with the cleansing, Oin applies some poppy ointment that smells of lard to the two deep cuts on the sole and begins to suture them.

I've been told before that both the tea and the ointment help dull pain, and if that is true, then I am grateful that Oin didn't try this without them. I close my eyes and feel a grimace twist my face while I twine my hands in the bed covers. Finally it's over. Oin slathers something else on my foot to stop infection and begins to wrap a bandage.

I sigh and slump back against Fili again, realizing I have been holding my muscles rigid. I need to stretch them, but that will have to wait because Fili's not letting me go, yet. He does, however, lean over to say, "Good job, Kee."

Thorin releases my knee and moves to the other side, putting his hand down on my right knee. This time Oin wets the makeshift bandages before unwinding them. At least it helps.

Once again our healer cleans my foot then examines it, shaking his head. I tense, not knowing what he's finding. "There's a hole here, looks like you stepped down on top of something. I'm afraid it's going to take a little more cleaning out than the rest."

My eyes go wide in shock fearing what that means as Oin reaches for a bottle. Before I even realize what is happening, liquid fire shoots from the sole of my foot all the way through my leg.

I no longer care about appearing weak in front of my family. I try to scream but can't even force the air out of my lung and only a hiss escapes through my lips. I taste the coppery tang of blood where I am biting my cheeks. My leg jerks reflexively but is held in place by my uncle. My chin begins to quiver and I feel the tears slide unbidden down my cheeks.

The burning pain goes on as Oin cleans out the deep wound two more times oblivious to the grimace on my face and my ragged breaths. "We don't want this to get infected, now, do we?"

I open my mouth to retort, but Fili tightens his hold around my chest again as a warning. I let the words die unspoken, replaced by a groan I can't seem to stop.

Finally Oin's particular brand of torture is over. He salves and bandages my foot. I take several deep breaths and release my grip on the covers as both Thorin and Fili let go of me.

Oin goes about his business repacking his healing kit and giving instructions to Mum. She will remember what he says so I do not pay attention, until Oin puts his hand on my leg. I look up to meet his eyes.

"Those feet do not touch the ground for 10 days. Understand?"

My eyes widen in disbelief. Did he really say I can't walk for 10 days?

"B-but...but..." I can't even find the words to protest; then Fili slaps my shoulder.

Oin continues. "And if they do, I will personally come back and tie you to this bed." If this is a joke, Oin is not smiling.

Finally, I nod, not knowing if this is an idle threat, because Oin knows how notorious I am for not staying put when told to, or if he really means it. Somehow I do not want to test his sincerity. But what am I going to do for ten whole days?

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**A/N: **Reviews greatly appreciated.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **Thanks to all who have read, followed, and favorited. Here's some jerk Thorin, awesome Dis, and comforting Fili. Hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it or profit from it. Just happy to play here.

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Chapter 8: Explanations

Mum and Uncle follow Oin out of our bedroom leaving me alone with my brother, but I know what's coming. As soon as the healer leaves they'll be back and they'll want answers. Thorin's already furious. I dread all the questions. I bow my head dropping my gaze to my hands and letting my hair fall down to cover my face. I'm not sure I can bear speaking with Mum and Uncle. I can't tell them what happened because i feel so shamed by what the girls said. I know that Thorin will be so disappointed in me regardless of what I say. Maybe I'll just lie and let them think I am upset about not going with Uncle and Fili this morning. Why do I have to be such a failure?

Fili slides off the bed and stands in front of me, arms crossed. I can feel his presence, usually so welcome; but this time he isn't pulling me into his embrace and telling me that everything will be fine. I know he's frustrated with me, too. That knowledge hurts more than the rest because he's always on my side, protecting and defending me. I hate it when I disappoint him.

The stalemate continues until Fili sighs. "We can stay this way all night or you can talk to me." His voice is soft but matter-of-fact.

I shake my head wishing he would leave me alone but certain that he will not. After a few more minutes, Fili tries again.

"Fine, Kee, scoot up in bed and get comfortable. You're going to be there for quite a while."

My head snaps up at the smugness in his voice, but I will not fall for his ruse. I know he's trying to provoke me into talking. Silently I shift my weight to move up to my favorite place in the corner. Without thinking, I try to use my feet for leverage, but gasp at the pain.

"Kili, are you all right?" Fili asks reaching out for me, his tough pretense dropping to be replaced by his usual concern.

I nod my head, but Fili knows better.

"Here, let me help," he puts his hands under my arms and pulls me up to the top of the bed and arranges the pillows behind my back.

Suddenly the door opens and Thorin stomps into our room, glaring.

"Explain to me what's going on and why you ran barefooted into the woods," he demands in a growl.

I swallow hard not meeting his gaze once again retreating behind my hair.

"Look at me, Kili!" Thorin snaps. I flinch, then slowly raise my head to meet his stare.

"Of all the stupid, reckless things you've done..." Thorin is livid. "I suppose this is because I refused to take you this morning and that immaturity is the very reason I didn't.

I shake my head denying his accusation.

"Then explain it," he demands, his blue eyes icy.

"I'm s-sorry, Uncle, I-I c-can't." My voice shakes knowing this is the wrong answer and it will only antagonize my Uncle even more; but I'm too ashamed of the truth.

"You will." Thorin bellows stepping closer.

"Uncle!" Fili interrupts, once again my big brother trying to protect me. "Let me..."

"I didn't ask you." Thorin snarls, cutting him off mid-thought. He glares at Fili, but my brother doesn't back down.

Luckily at that moment Mum steps to the open door.

"Thorin, enough!" Mum proclaims. And she can be just as forceful as her brother when she wants. He turns to face her, opening his mouth to retort.

"Don't," she warns shaking her head, braids whipping around her shoulders. "He'll tell us when he's ready. Your ranting will only make things worse."

"Dis.., I want to..." Once again Thorin doesn't get very far.

"You want what you want and when you want it," Dis accuses, her eyes flashing. Her voice softens then, but her expression says she will not compromise. "Not this time, nadad. We'll sort it tomorrow. Let him rest now."

At any time other than this I would be rolling with laughter watching Uncle back down from Mum's determined gaze. I sneak a glance at Fili who does manage a smile at the scene before him, but only because Thorin's back is to him.

Mum crosses to the bed, "Kili, get some rest." She bends to kiss my forehead, warning, "I expect an explanation tomorrow."

Grateful for the brief respite, I close my eyes and release the breath I have been holding. At least I do not have to face Uncle tonight; but I will have to talk with Mum tomorrow. There will be no way of avoiding her.

I nod, not trusting my voice to answer without breaking. I watch as she turns and herds Uncle out the door closing it behind her.

Alone again, Fili exhales, too, relieved that a confrontation with Thorin has been avoided. He crosses to his side of the room shedding his outer garments down to under tunic and trousers.

I watch silently waiting for my brother to start questioning me again. He may not want Thorin badgering me but he's certainly not above doing it himself.

Fili comes back and crawls onto my bed settling next to me. He puts his arm around me squeezing my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Kee," he starts quietly. "I thought you were just upset and pouting because Thorin left you at home." He pauses briefly, "But that's not it. Something else happened this morning... didn't it?"

I do not answer, but my shoulders begin to shake.

"You'd been crying when we came home. I know that," Fili continues. "I should have pushed you then and made you tell me, even if you would have started by denying everything.." He smiles squeezing my shoulder again. "I'm sorry Thorin called me away. If I had stayed this wouldn't have happened."

It's just like my brother: trying to take the blame for something I did. Fili's always been that way and it just makes me feel more worthless. My eyes start to burn and I know that I will not be able to stop the tears.

"Tell me, nadadith. What happened? Let me help."

I don't want to tell him, to relive those insults, to reveal how much they hurt. I'm from the line of Durin, and I should be stronger than that. I should be able to ignore the slurs; but I can't. I already feel unworthy enough without others having to tell me.

Thinking about it brings the weight of the whole day crashing back down on me. My gut twists with the physical pain of my feet and the mental anguish of the day. I swallow down the bile rising in my throat and know I can't hold it in any longer.

"The things they said about me," my voice shakes. "T-they c-c-called me 'elf-spawn' and 'half-breed'. Repeating the words slams me back into the despair and the tears start to fall.

Fili pulls me closer and I turn to bury my face in his shoulder twisting my fingers in his tunic.

"T-the things they all s-say- t-t-too tall, too .t-thin, no beard, u-uses a bow," I sniffle the litany.

"But, Kee, you've heard all those things before," Fili rubs circles on my back like he did when I was younger and upset. "They're words...just word, and they don't mean anything because they're not true." He pauses then continues, "I know there's more."

There is, but I so don't want to tell him. I don't want him to hear those really hateful things. I know that it infuriates my brother when anyone talks about me like that, and he always tries so hard to protect me.

"C'mon. Tell me the rest," Fili coaxes.

"S-said no dw-dwarrowdam would ever c-choose me...too ugly." Fili's shirt is wet from my tears and I cling to him as I feel the panic trying to edge it's way back.

"T-they s-said Thorin s-should have let m-me die when I w-was born."

"What?" I can feel Fili's shoulders tense beneath me.

I only nod my head against his shoulder.

"Oh, Kili," Fili's outright shock is palpable. "No, it's just wrong... why would they say that?" He wraps his arms around me.

I have no answer for my brother, but I can still hear the hatred in those words.

"Said it w-was good you w-were the heir, 'cause no one would f-follow me as king." Those were the evil things they had said about me, but I had taken them out to my own conclusions.

I pull back from Fili's shoulder to look him in the eyes because this is the crux of the whole matter. He's always there for me and it breaks my heart to think I might not be able to protect him and keep him safe.

"I-If they won't follow m-me, how c-can I be W-War Master a-and Captain of the R-Royal Guard? It's my job and I w-won't be able to protect you. I'm already a f-failure before I even try."

It is my duty as the second son, to protect the heir and the king, Balin has taught me this. While he's training Fili to rule, he's trying to mold me into the royal protector. It's the role Dwalin fills for Thorin and I know I'll never be good enough to do it for Fili. I don't want to let my brother down, and yet I can see some other dwarrow chosen for the position because I am too weak.

There, I've said it, my fear, and now I bury my face in Fili's shoulder again, my own shaking as I sob at my short-comings.

What if Thorin knows all of this? What if he already realizes that the dwarrow warriors won't follow me? Is that why he lets me train with the bow, because it won't ever matter? Why he didn't take me on the trading trip today...because I would never need those skills?... Is he sorry I was ever born?

Fili wraps his arms around me again, one hand reaching up to smooth my hair.

"Oh, Kili, I am so sorry I wasn't here with you. Whoever said these terrible things is wrong. You're the best archer we have" Fili rocks me gently trying to soothe my tears.

"But dwarves don't use bows, elves do," I snap.

"No," Fili tries to console me. "You're just smart enough to know your strengths and weaknesses and won't let yourself be compromised by useless tradition."

"Tell me, who said the things to you?" Fili probes.

I shake my head, "It doesn't matter."

I'm surprised but Fili doesn't press for an answer; instead, he changes the subject. "So why did you run?"

"I panicked. I c-couldn't tell you t-then and I knew you wouldn't q-quit asking 'till you g-got answers."

"I'm sorry. Shhhh, Kee, calm down. Just breathe. Everything will be all right. I'll make it all right," Fili promises, holding me until I cry myself to sleep.

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**A/N: **Now for the good news. There will be at least 12 chapters however, I will be away from my computer the last week of September. Since it's not fair for you guys to have to wait that long for updates, I'll be posting more frequently. Remember: reviews and comments always welcome.**  
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	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** Woo Hoo- over 6000 hits. Thanks for reading. Here's the next chapter with Kili and Dis.

**DISCLAIMER: **While I wish I owned all things Middle Earth, I do not; nor do I profit from them.

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Chapter 9: First Reckoning

When I wake sun is filtering through the window and Fili is not in the room. My eyes still burn from all the tears and my throat feels raw. I run a finger over the scratches on my hand realizing that yesterday hadn't been just a bad dream but very, very real, as slight twinges in my feet remind me.

My growling stomach informs me that I have not eaten a full meal in over a day. It's already late enough that Thorin will be at the forge and Fili at his lessons. Since I can't hear Mum rattling around in the kitchen, I assume she has gone out on some errand leaving me on my own.

I throw off the covers hoping that they've at least left me some breakfast. Cautiously I wiggle my toes then flex my feet. They ache, but they don't seem too bad. I'll only go as far as the kitchen. As I try to stand, the pain lancing through my feet remind me just how reckless I had been yesterday. I gasp as I quickly sit back down on the bed shaking my head. This doesn't bode well for walking.

Suddenly the door opens and Mum enters.

"Kili, what's wrong?" She asks before she fully surveys the scene. Then she fixes me with the icy blue Durin stare. "You tried to get out of bed and walk didn't you." It was a statement and not a question.

Then I remember Oin's threat: 'your feet don't touch the floor for ten days.'

I groan as I flop back on the bed. What am I supposed to do for ten days? Ten days! I'll go crazy. I can't stay still that long.

"Well?" Mum's question pulls me from my thoughts. Even though we both know the answer, I guess she wants me to admit it.

"Yes, Mum," I reply glumly dropping my head so that my hair can hide my disgusted expression.

"And what did Oin say?" apparently Mum is going to make this as painful as she can.

"Ten days," I answer, "but..."

Placing her fingers under my chin she raises my face until I look directly at her.

"No, Kili," Mum shakes her head. "Oin said ten days and he meant it, so you'd better just resign yourself to it because, if I have to, I'll help him tie you to the bed."

I gulp at her threat, but know from her expression that she will not brook any backtalk. I merely nod. I know I'm infamous for not staying still and for thinking that bed rest instructions do not apply to me. That may present a problem this time. While I seriously doubt Mister Oin would actually carry out his threat, I'm more than certain that I do not want to face my mother's wrath.

Then I see the slight upturn at the corners of her mouth. Surely she would not laugh at me. It's going to be pure torture- staying in bed with nothing to do. I won't find out until later that Oin's threat is mostly bluster. He says ten days but will be happy if I manage just five without abusing my feet any more.

Mum drops her fingers from my chin and leaves the room but quickly returns with a tray of fruit and cheese with bread, sausage. and tea. I grin my thanks and dig in; but instead of leaving Mum busies herself tidying the room while I eat. At least she intends to have me fed before she confronts me about yesterday. Accordingly, I take my time trying to prolong this respite as long as I can.

I finally finish and Mum whisks away the tray placing it on the table. Her face readily reveals that she is aware of my stalling. She sits at the end of the bed facing me. I pull my legs up tailor-style careful of my bandaged feet, and drop my face, nervously picking at the covers...

"Kili," she begins softly to get my attention.

I expect anger, disappointment, or exasperation in her tone, but I hear none of these. Instead, Mum's voice is calm and almost remorseful.

I look up. The glare is gone from her eyes, replaced by a look of acceptance ... and regret. I am confused.

"Fili, told us about what happened."

I close my eyes and shake my head feeling my cheeks begin to flush. I don't know whether to be embarrassed or angry.

My brother betrayed my confidence, and now Mum and Uncle Thorin both know about my shame and weakness. I should have known Fili would tell. He probably thought it would be easier for me if I didn't have to go through the recitation again. Maybe he's right, but he should have told me first. It still feels like betrayal, and that hurts, especially from Fee. Now all the feelings from yesterday threaten to grip me again like a vicious circle and I cannot let that happen.

Whoever made up that old rhyme, 'sticks and stones don't break dwarf bones, and words can never harm me,' was just plain stupid. I'd much prefer to take a beating on the practice field than to hear their filthy insults. I don't care if they're just words. I don't care if my family thinks they're wrong, because I can't make myself believe that there is no truth to the taunts. Mahal, I feel my eyes starting to burn again. I would have thought after all the crying yesterday, I could have no more tears. Once again, Kili's wrong.

Mum gently puts her hand on my knee.

"We've had this talk before," she begins reminding me that these disparaging comments are nothing new.

She's right; I've heard the slurs for years, from the time I was just a wee dwarfling. I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I am not the perfect specimen of a male dwarf. No, that would be my big brother, the golden lion, who fights with two swords... and knives, who wears braids even in his moustache, who is the Crown Prince, Thorin's pride and joy. And I'm content with that; I never want to be crown prince, or king. I don't even want to be Prince Kili with all the responsibilities. I just want to be me, just Kili...Although I do wish that Thorin could be proud of me just once, like he is of Fili.

Once again Mum breaks my train of thought.

"Listen to me," she instructs. "There is no truth to the things they said. You are not too tall; Thorin is taller than you. And while you may be thinner than most, remember, you were born so early that you didn't have all the muscle and fat that a newborn dwarrow should have. You're still growing and just haven't caught up yet."

If I haven't started to fill out in 60 years, I doubt I ever will.

Mum moves so that she is sitting next me but at a slight angle. She places her hand on my chin and turns my face up to hers. I see her through lashes damp with unshed tears. Her gaze is piercing.

"And this 'half-elf' problem has to stop," her voice takes on a sterner tone that I am not expecting. "Every time someone has called you that we have assured you that it is not true. Yet, you still let it bother you. Let me see if I can explain it a different way."

"I don't care if you never knew your father. You are Kili, son of Vili. You were born the day he died. And I defy you to find anyone who will deny that Vili was a good dwarrow." She pauses, waiting for me to acknowledge this. Swallowing hard I nod assent.

"So now, explain to me just how you could have been fathered by an elf when Vili was still alive until the day you were born."

I stare at her my eyes going wide at the implications of what she is asking as well as the fact that we were even having this conversation.

"Do you think I didn't love your father? Do you honestly believe I was unfaithful to Villi, especially with an elf?" She practically spits the last word.

Her question is like a slap to my face. Of course I have never really thought about it this way. I have always just taken the slur to be a reflection on me, not even considering what it implied about Mum.

"No," I cry, "I would never think that about you." I lean over into her arms. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." And now I am crying because I realize that I have been so selfish. It's always been just about me.

"It's all right, Kili, I know you don't think that," Mum holds me close. "I just didn't know any other way to get you to quit letting these ridiculous slurs hurt you so much. It's not about what they say, those are just words. It's about what you know to be truth. Your father was an honorable dwarrow and he died defending this village and that includes the very ones who taunt you."

Mum holds me tight stroking my hair, while she continues, "I love you. We all love you. And it hurts us when thoughtless dwarves say these things about you. If we could spare you from these insults, we would do anything it took. Always remember that you are one of Durin's heirs and we are very proud of you."

I can only nod as she pulls back from the hug to press her forehead to mine. When she sits back, Mum raises a hand to brush away the tears that have stained my cheeks.

She rises and taking the tray crosses to the door before turning back towards me smiling. "And any dwarrow-lass that thinks you're ugly, doesn't deserve you, mizimuh nidoyith.

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**A/N: **That's Dis down and Thorin left to go (chapter 11). As always, thanks for reading and reviewing. Your comments are greatly appreciated.

**Mizimuh nidoyith**- my darling baby boy.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **In which Fili laughs, Kili pouts, and Dis is, well Dis; because we all need a fluff break every once in a while.

**Disclaimer: **Still not mine/still no profit.

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Chapter 10 Fluffy Interlude

Mum goes back to her chores, leaving me to read a book I find on the bedside table until Fili comes home. That is, of course, unless Uncle finds something to keep Fee occupied all afternoon. I wouldn't be surprised; Thorin knows that would make me more miserable than I already am.

I finally hear the door open and Fili's greeting to Mum, then his footfalls on the way to our room. He opens the door and enters, grinning widely, his arms laden with books, then slams it closed with his foot.

"Fili!" Mum's displeasure is evident, but it doesn't faze him.

"Mister Balin was very sorry to hear about your...er...problem," Fili dumps the load onto my bed. "He asked me to make sure you have plenty to do so you don't get too restless," he smirks.

I try to swat his arm, but he dances back just out of my reach.

"That's not fair," I protest. "I'm stuck in bed and he expects me to study?" I realize I'm whining like a dwarfling, but I do not care.

Fili ignores me. "Going to bathe, then I'll be back." He heads for the door pulling it open. Stepping into the hall, he turns and flashes a wide smile. "Have fun, Kee," he laughs, the beads in his golden moustache swinging.

He shuts the door quickly enough that the book I hurl thumps against it.

Then the door slips open just barely for my idiot brother to snicker, "Oh, and, he said he'd be coming by to check on your progress." Snick, the door closes again.

I'm so glad my brother can have some fun at my expense. Sighing, I sift through the books Fili has left me trying to find the most innocuous one. I glance through the titles, groaning: "On Dwarrow-Men Treaties and Trade," "Understanding Trade and Finance," "The Essentials of Being a Diplomatic Envoy," "Tinker, Miner, Jeweler." By fire and forge, is Balin trying to bore me to death? I grab one at random and turn to the pages marked.

Shortly, I'm granted a reprieve as Fili returns carrying the chessboard.

"Thought you might be getting bored," he smiles setting the board down on the table and moving things around so we can play. Of course, Fili will win; he always does, because he actually thinks out his strategy. I'm too impatient for that and just move my men in response to his plays. I understand the strategy, but it's just not a fun game if I have to put that much effort into playing it. At least it gives me something to do, and with Fili.

We play until the front door booms closed and we hear Thorin's heavy tread in the front room. I look up at the door, my eyes wide, fearing that he will come to speak to me. Fili sees my distress.

"It'll be all right, Kili, don't worry about Uncle." He reaches over to lay his hand on my arm.

Yes, it's easy for Fili not to worry. He's not the one that has to face Thorin. Then I remember what my brother did and I yank my arm from his touch.

"You told them," I accuse him, glaring.

"Kili, you can't be upset about that," Fili states shaking his head.

"I can," I huff. "You had no right."

"Think, Kee. You don't really want to explain all that again, do you? To both of them?" Fili keeps his voice even. "You were barely able to get through it last night with me."

I look away, not wanting to concede his point.

Suddenly there's a knock on our door, and I flinch fearing Uncle's wrath. My dread seems unfounded this time, however.

Of course the knock is a mere formality as Thorin opens the door and stares.

"How are you feeling, Kili?" He seems calm enough.

"I'm well, Uncle," I respond quietly.

"That's good, lad," he returns. "We'll want talk after we eat." And then he's gone.

Oh great. Ruin my dinner, too. I swallow the lump that has risen in my throat. I've been dreading this all day because I so do not want to discuss yesterday with him. Talking to Mum hadn't been so bad, so I guess that she's leaving the discipline part to Uncle. Fili just pats my arm and smiles, then returns to our game.

Finally Mum comes to the door, "Food's ready. Where would you like to eat, Kili?"

"You mean I have a choice?" I ask in disbelief.

"Of course you do, love. Here or with us?"

Still not fully believing, I ask, "You mean I can walk to the table?"

"No, my silly raven," she smiles. "But Fili will be happy to carry you."

"What?" I can't believe this. "No! Fili can't carry me," I proclaim indignantly. I'm not that weak and helpless. "I'm perfectly capable..."

"Ten days." Mum interrupts. I swear she is gloating over this.

"Fine. I'll just eat here." I fume, sweeping the chess board onto the floor, clearing the table.

"Kili," Mum starts, her voice displeased, but Fili holds up his hand.

"We'll be there, just give us a minute."

She looks from me to Fili, then nods her head and leaves.

"I didn't say I was going," I state, crossing my arms over my chest, in a gesture of defiance.

Without answering, Fili kneels on the floor retrieving the chess pieces I have scattered. I do feel bad that he has to pick them up and know I shouldn't have acted so petulantly but I hate appearing weak, not even allowed to walk to the table.

Once finished, Fili stands looking at me. "You are such a dwarfling brat sometimes," he declares. "So if you want to act like a dwarfling, then I'll treat you like one. And by the way, you are so going to pay for that," indicating the chessboard, he promises with a smile, relishing the thought of revenge.

"Ready?" He gives me no time to disagree or argue, scooping me up in his arms and heading for the dining room. I let out a surprised squeak. So much for what I want.

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**A/N**: Next chapter- Thorin. Hope you're still enjoying the fic. Let me know by reviewing.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **And now Thorin has his say.

**Disclaimer: **Middle Earth does not belong to me, unfortunately. There is no monetary gain attached.

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Chapter 11: Second Reckoning

Our meal passes amicably enough without any mention of yesterday's events, the conversation revolves around Fili's weapons practice and considerable skill of which Thorin seems inordinately pleased. Then we turn to discussing the minor happenings in our extended family. I'm just as uncomfortable tonight as I was yesterday morning because there's a tension in the air like there's a problem hanging over us but everyone refuses to acknowledge it. And that problem would be me.

When the food is gone, we descend into an uncomfortable silence. If Thorin intends to talk to me, I just want him to do it and get it over with. I have dreaded this moment all day, and now that it's time, I feel my stomach twist into knots at the thought of facing Uncle's disapproval. He was so mad yesterday.

Mum rises and starts collecting dishes. Out of habit I push my chair back from the table preparing to help.

"Kili," Thorin's deep voice stops me at once. "No."

I drop my gaze to the table, not wanting to look at him. I cannot count the times I've heard that particular combination of words in my lifetime. When I was a very young dwarfling, I probably thought 'no' was part of my name, as in Kili-No.

Fili gets up to help Mum, leaving Uncle and me alone at the table. Thorin reaches out to touch my arm. "Kili, we need to talk," and there it is- the moment I've feared. All I can do is nod silently waiting for him to continue. "We'll go back to your room."

I know better than to try walking there myself so I look towards Fili silently asking for help as my cheeks flush with the thought of needing assistance. He smiles and starts towards me until Thorin's words stop him.

"I've got this." Thorin bends to pick me up.

"Uncle, no!" I gasp, leaning away. "You can't."

"Why not?' Thorin asked his usually stern face puzzled

"I-I'm...ah...I...you..." I stumble over words not certain how to explain, my face totally red now.

Thankfully, Fili comes to my rescue, although I wish he would have chosen a better explanation.

"He's embarrassed, Uncle. Being carried makes him think he looks weak." While completely true, Fili's explanation hardy bolsters my confidence.

"Nonsense," Thorin returns matter-of-factly. Deftly he scoops me up into his arms and heads for my room "You are injured. There is no shame in needing help when you are hurt. I would do the same for Fili, or Dwalin, or anyone else."

I did not expect understanding from my Uncle. In fact I thought he would berate me for causing my injuries and tell me I had gotten exactly what I deserved. It's a bit of a welcome relief and I close my eyes remembering times from years gone by when he had carried me home after falls, and scrapes, and fights.

After Thorin sets me on my bed, he crosses and lowers himself onto Fili's so that we are facing each other. We sit in silence for a few minutes as if he is as reluctant to begin this conversation as I am.

"Kili."

I raise my head to look at him.

"I'm sorry," he hesitates.

Wait. What? Can this be Thorin Oakenshield, my uncle? Thorin never apologizes because he's never wrong. I must have misheard.

"Last night I was furious with you. I thought everything that happened was because I refused to take you with us." He pauses, "Until Fili explained things this morning."

I'm still staring at him in disbelief and just waiting for whatever comes next for I do not know how to react.

"I feel that this is partly my fault," his blue eyes are as sincere as I've ever seen them. "You and Fili should not have had to grow up here in Ered Luin. You should have been raised in Erebor as befitting the princes of Durin's line that you are. There you would not have been subjected to such cruel and demeaning remarks as were hurled at you. Some of that disdain was no doubt aimed at me. There are dwarves that think I have not provided well enough for them since Azanulbizar. And then there are those who simply have to disparage others in order to feel better about themselves."

"But Uncle," I dare to interrupt, upset by the sadness in his voice. He rarely opens up to talk about personal aspects of his past, especially about the battle at the gates of Khazad-Dum; and when he speaks of the kingship it's always in terms of responsibility and honor. "You have done the best by our people that you could. You have sacrificed so much for them. They shouldn't blame you." My voice escalates at the unfairness of which Thorin speaks.

Uncle rises and crosses over to my bed. Sitting he places a hand on my arm.

"Kili, lad, sometimes I forget how young you still are in terms of experience," he says softly. "I was younger than you are now when I fought at Azanulbizar and had the leadership of our people thrust upon me. You still have the hope and optimism of youth." Thorin's eyes lose focus as if he is drawn back into his memories.

While I know Uncle is trying to make me feel better, I can't help but think that what he really meant to say was naive, untrained, and untested.

Shaking himself from his reverie, Thorin continues, "Will you tell me who said those things about you?"

"I can't." It comes out as a bare whisper.

"Lad, you know you can tell me anything," Uncle assures me.

I shake my head, hiding my face from his gaze.

"Kili, why not?"

"Wouldn't be right," I manage. "They didn't say them to my face. I overheard them at the market."

"You mean they were talking this way in public?" Thorin's voice turns cold. "And, yet, you refuse to name them?"

I can do nothing more than nod at his accusation. Running had been the wrong decision. I realize now that I should have faced the lassies and defended myself; that was my responsibility. If it had been lads, I no doubt would have fought them, as I have in the past, even if I lost. Since I hadn't dealt with the situation myself, tattling to Uncle seems dishonorable, and cowardly, letting him deal with my problem.

"That is not acceptable," Thorin declares angrily.

I raise my face to meet Uncle's eyes. "Acceptable or not, that is my decision."

I know I am taking a huge risk by refusing to answer his question. I fear how he will react to my defiance. For several minutes we stare at each other, me trying not to lose my resolve and Thorin considering how to proceed. It's all I can do not to look away; but that would be showing weakness, and I cannot allow my fear to master me.

Finally, he breaks eye contact and nods. "Very well. If that is your decision."

I nod, not really believing he accepts my refusal to reveal the names, but thankful he doesn't push.

Thorin takes a deep breath, almost visibly pushing down his anger, to continue. "These accusations they made against you, their words mean nothing. They are mere words, and you cannot let them bother you. You alone determine the effects their words have on you. If you buy into them, then they will destroy you. If you know who you truly are, their words have no power over you."

I nod, not trusting my voice, afraid it will break should I speak.

"You are full-blooded dwarf, an heir of Durin, and there is nothing about your physical appearance or your weapon choice that can change that." Then Thorin continues but switches subjects "Regarding the problem of leadership..."

O, Mahal, I'm sure this is where Uncle will unleash his disappointment on me. I look down to my lap, not wanting to see my failure reflected in his eyes.

"Your potential to lead cannot be assessed from the outside and certainly not this early. Dwarrow do not follow because of how you look. They follow out of loyalty, honor, and a willing heart." Thorin explains. "No doubt you need more practice, more lessons on strategy; but when the time comes, you will be ready." He pauses briefly, then continues, "Once we retake Erebor, you will be a worthy Captain of the Royal Guard. Just trust the love you have for your brother to guide you." Thorin's words are utterly sincere.

"Believe me, you are my sister-son and I have never regretted that. I love you," Uncle continues, "and I am proud of you, even if I don't tell you enough."

I feel my chin quiver at Thorin's declaration. These are words I have longed to hear. "Thank you, Uncle," my voice shakes, but I smile up at him. Then he pulls me into a quick embrace, and rises to leave.

"Uncle?" I ask. He turns back to face me. "You're not going to punish me?" Even I can hear the disbelief in my words.

"No, Kili, I think Oin's forced bed rest will be punishment enough. I trust you will not engage in this particular foolishness again." Thorin actually smiles as he leaves.

I'm not sure what just happened. It was definitely not what I had dreaded. I actually made it through without crying in front of Uncle. I will need to think about his words; but at least he said he was proud of me. I smile, cherishing the moment, even though I realize that my lashes are now wet.

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**A/N: **Well, I hope you like this chapter. It's not the one I had planned. Thorin just didn't want to co-operate with me and took the dialogue in a different direction. (We all know about his forceful personality). Possibly one more chapter, then the epilogue (where the girls learn that you don't mess with the Durins). As always, I appreciate your reviews.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: **Everyone keeps asking for more, so here's a short final fluff chapter before the epilogue. Hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **No ownership, no profit.

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Chapter 12 Back To Normal

Thorin leaves and I stare at the door almost expecting him to burst back through in a fit of anger and say he's reconsidered. As minutes pass without the door opening and I realize that he's not coming back. It's over, and I still alive and relatively unscathed. Oh, Yes!

I take in a deep, cleansing breath and exhale, letting the tension flow out of my body. Then I crawl up to the corner where my bed abuts the wall and lie back against the pillows I have propped there. Closing my eyes, I reflect on the things I have heard from my family remembering their affirmations. I did something really stupid, and my family still loves me. They didn't even yell at me,... well except Fili,...and Thorin the first night. Still it makes me so happy to know they love and support me because sometimes, I wonder.

Thorin actually said he was proud of me. I still can't believe he said it. He's said it so many times to Fili and I've been trying my best to make him proud of me. I want to jump up and down to celebrate; but I'm sure that's not considered "feet don't touch the ground," even if I do it on the bed. I guess I'll just have to settle for grinning stupidly.

"Well, aren't you happy?" Fili comes through the door smiling.

All I do is nod vigorously and keep grinning.

"So, either Thorin hit you up 'side the head and addled what little brain you have," Fili smirks. "Or...Mum gave you too much of Oin's happy juice."

"Fili!" I throw a pillow at my brother which he catches easily.

"Then tell me. Why are you grinning from ear to ear?" He throws my pillow back at me and I bat it away.

Thorin said he was proud of me," I practically squeal.

"No wonder you're so giddy, Kee. You've tried so hard to win his approval." Fili throws himself on my bed and grabs me up into a tight hug. "I'm glad Uncle finally said it. I've tried to tell you so before, but you wouldn't believe me." He ruffles the back of my hair and then releases his crushing hold on me settling down next to me on the bed. Putting an arm around my shoulders, he continues, "You do realize, nadadith, that we are all proud of you, don't you?"

"I guess," I shrug, looking down, still finding it hard to comprehend that they're not disappointed in me.

"Oh, no, you don't," Fili insists as he slides his arm up around my neck and pulls me down into a headlock ruffling my hair again. "I'm not going to let you fall back into your 'Poor me, I can't please anyone' way of thinking."

As I work at extricating myself from his hold, Fili reaches down and starts to tickle my ribs. Try as I might, I cannot hold in the giggles.

"Please ...don't...Fili," I beg, frantically trying to grab his hands.

Fili knows how much I hate being tickled. It's always reduced me to a quivering mess of dwarfling squeals. In our younger days, he used this threat against me when he wanted me to stop bothering him. I learned fairly fast not to keep pushing him or I'd be very sorry.

Finally he releases me from the headlock and I think it's over. Instead he just wants to use both hands to torture me. I try to curl in on myself protecting my sides; but I can't stop my brother's relentless assault.

Next I try to slide away from him, only to find my back against the wall with no where else to go. SI am trapped and still fail to keep Fili's hands away, I dissolve into spasms of laughter that have me panting for breath.

"Please,... Fee," I gasp, "Stop."

My brother is merciless and only tries harder. Since he doesn't seem likely to quit and my attempts at defense prove unsuccessful, I decide my only option is to fight back. I reach up grabbing a handful of golden hair and pull."

"Oww! Not fair, Kee," Fili huffs, but stops tickling me long enough to free his locks from my grip.

"Made you stop," I return, sticking my tongue out in defiance.

Then we are grappling, rolling around on the bed, until we move too close to the edge. Suddenly, we are flailing over the side to land hard on the floor with a resounding thud. Luckily for me Fili takes the brunt of the fall and I land on top. For the briefest moment we are totally quiet, just staring wide-eyed at each other. Then we burst into fits of howling

"Fili! Kili!" Thorin's voice thunders from the other room. "Don't make me come in there."

Still looking at each other, while trying our best to control our laughter, we reply in unison, "Yes, Uncle."

Well, it seems that things are back to normal now.

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**A/N: **Expect the epilogue by the end of the week to wrap up this fic. I'm currently working on another one called "Death and Life" which deals with the death of the boys' father and Kili's birth. I hope to have this up some time during the first week of October.

Thanks for your comments, they really mean a lot to me; and don't forget to review this chapter.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: **Here it is, the final installment. Enjoy. (The tradition descriptions are mine).

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own or profit from Middle Earth.

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Epilogue

Erda, her two friends, and their mothers sit patiently in one of the rooms inside the mountain hall in Ered Luin. They are waiting for a meeting regarding the upcoming Ghiluz Durin festivities, the girls nearly jumping off their seats in excitement.

Being part of this program is such an honor and not every young dwarrow gets to take part. For families of high standing, participation in these ceremonies serves as a coming of age ritual. Traditionally dwarrow lasses are highly prized and protected and this is their formal presentation to the community of Erid Luin. Arguably, this is not celebrated by the other clans, but was adopted after the extensive loss of life at Azanulbizar which left many as orphans and prompted the need to promote marriage and childbearing. Like many things to the Erebor exiles, this was just another adaptation to ensure survival.

These families have been looking forward to the celebration for months, planning and preparing, sewing new clothes; and now, each girl has received a personal invitation from Lady Dis to attend a special meeting. The room is abuzz with their frenzied conversation.

All noise ceases and eyes turn towards the opening door as Lady Dis glides into the room. She wears a rich dress of Durin blue, the bodice accented with a raven embroidered in silver thread. Her dark hair is immaculately plaited with the prominent royal braids and offset by a thin silver fillet band. There is no mistaking that this is a princess of the line of Durin.

Around the table eyes widen as they look at each other, and even though, the dwarrow of this village seldom stand on formality, they find themselves automatically rising to greet the princess. This is not the Dis they pass in the market, nor see in the forge. No, this is the princess in all of her royalty, even if she is wearing every showy piece she owns in exile; and still it would be considered beneath her in the Halls of Erebor. She dresses this elaborately only for high state occasions like visiting royalty or important celebrations. The dwarrow in the room are suitably impressed to be sitting at the same table, mingling with royalty; and they preen at their uncommon good fortune.

Lady Dis looks slowly around the room, meeting each female eye to eye, her face betraying nothing. Much planning has gone into arranging this particular meeting which started with an innocent question asked of her oldest son by a jovial toy-maker. The question had led to a story of how said toy-maker had overheard, in the market, some lasses disparaging the youngest heir of Durin. And thus, Fili, Dis, and Thorin had all become aware of the perpetrators' identities without Kili's having to name them.

Finally Dis addresses those assembled, her mouth curling into a grin.

"As you all know, it is an impressive honor to be chosen for a part in the Ghiluz Durin Ceremony. It is an awesome responsibility here in Ered Luin among the exiled Dwarrow. She pauses long enough for the gravity of her comment to sink in.

"Those chosen must demonstrate the characteristics of loyalty, honor, and a willing heart," once again she pauses watching the looks of anticipation and pride around the table. No doubt these three are expecting even greater accolades.

"Thus it saddens me to inform you that your recent behavior has disqualified you from participating," Dis pronounces. The room is eerily quiet.

The three girls stare in disbelief as if they have misunderstood. For another moment no one speaks. Then Erda's mother finds her voice.

"Lady Dis, excuse me; but did I hear you say that the girls will not be participating in the celebration program?" She must have misheard.

Dis fixes her with the icy blue Durin stare, "I spoke plainly enough, did I not?"

Now the room erupts in a cacophony of voices all competing at once.

"What?"..."Why?"..."How?"..."No!"..."You can't."

"Oh, but I can," Dis flashes a confident smile as her voice slices icily through the chaos.

"But why? Why would you say we can't be in it?" Erda cries out stamping her foot as tears spring to her eyes.

"As I said," Dis holds her gaze. "Your own actions have disqualified you."

"What do you mean? How? What did we do?" one of the other girls whines.

"That is ridiculous. Our daughters behavior is beyond reproach," the second girl's mother accuses haughtily.

"Since when did lying maliciously and spreading unfounded rumors qualify as honor?" Dis counters looking pointedly at the three girls, one after the other.

The girls stare in shock not even understanding the accusations. They begin talking among themselves.

"Surely you are mistaken, Lady Dis." One mother offers.

Erda's mother rises to her feet, her face livid. "How dare you accuse..."

"Enough!" Dis slams her hand on the table. "Sit down."

Everyone stops speaking and quickly complies, turning to face the irate princess.

"Now that I have your attention," Dis's voice returns to normal. Again she fixes Erda with her penetrating gaze. "Do you deny that the three of you stood at a crossroad in the market and showed blatant disrespect for me, my brother, and my son?"

Erda's face paled as she opens her mouth several times much like a fish gasping out of water. Finally she manages, "I...we..." she looks pleadingly to her mother for help.

The Dwarrowdams remain quiet, finally realizing the import of Dis's words.

When her mother provides no aid, Erda looks to her co-conspirators. They, too, remain silent, perhaps hoping that Erda will take all the blame for them.

"Well?" Erda's head turns to glare at her mum's question. "Can you explain of what Lady Dis speaks?"

'I guess she means when we were talking about Kili in the market," Erda manages, sniffling and dropping her eyes to the table with the realization that she has little option but to confess.

"I didn't know anyone was listening to us," Erda's voice is tinged with anger, as if the fault rests with whoever had eavesdropped on their conversation.

"At least not until you saw Kili looking at you," Dis counters the false explanation.

"No, we didn't," splutters a second girl desperately. "We really didn't know he was there."

"That's right," the third girl adds indignantly. "He was hiding down the street."

Dis exhales slowly, shaking her head at the girls' continuing efforts to shift blame away from themselves.

"What part of sitting on a fence rail eating an apple tart constitutes hiding?" the princess counters.

The girl's look at each other, eyes wide, realizing that Lady Dis is somehow aware of all that had happened.

Dis places her hands on the table. "Enough, lasses. I know the story..."

The second girl turns to Erda, her eyes ablaze, snapping, "I knew that brat would tell."

Dis fixes her with an icy glare. "No. As deeply as your words hurt Kili, he refused to name who was responsible. Your conversation was overheard by a merchant, who informed us."

The dwarrow-lasses refuse to look at either the princess or their mothers.

Now Dis turns her attention to the mothers. "I want you to understand just what they said because they claimed to hear some of it from their parents."

The mothers shifts uncomfortably not wishing to be drawn into this whole mess.

Dis plows on. "Aside from the obvious comments about Kili's physical build, lack of beard, and his choice of the bow, they called him half-elf, an insult that by default erroneously impacts my reputation. They discussed that he would never be chosen and how no one would accept him as a leader. Finally they said that my brother should not have let him live when he was born."

The room is silent when Dis finishes her exposition.

"Lady Dis," Erda's mother began shakily, "We did not know. Please forgive our daughter's rash behavior. I assure you they will apologize to your son immediately."

The other dwarrowdams hastily add their own protestations of innocence.

"Your ignorance does not excuse their behavior. And your daughters will not speak to either of my sons; they have said quite enough already." Dis practically spits the words. "I fear our exile has diluted our once high expectations for our daughters. In Erebor three lasses of your daughters' ages would not have wandered the merchant stalls unchaperoned." She looks each of the mothers squarely in the eyes before continuing. "Nor would they publicly dare to so impugn the reputation of a prince of Durin." Dis pauses for effect

"As I said at the beginning, you will not be participating in the Durin's Day Celebration. Nor do I expect to see you attending. You may use the time to reflect on how your thoughtless words impact others," Dis admonishes the girls before her.

Turning to their mothers, she continues, "I would deem it wise for you to discuss this unfortunate incident with your husbands. And you might want to consider the things you speak around your children, knowing that they may well be aired in public,... and that there are dwarves here that support the line of Durin."

Stiffly Dis rises, quickly followed by the remaining dwarrowdams. Dis walks to the door before tuning. "I trust this matter is closed and you will heed my warnings...I am sure none of you wishes to deal with Prince Thorin.

And with those final remarks, Dis exits the room. Once outside the mountain hall, she pauses long enough to take several deep breaths to compose herself. She is not used to playing the princess role like this, and for a brief time she can sympathize with the burden her dear brother shoulders every day. But now, she needs to get home where she has a mischievous imp, no longer confined to bed, but still homebound. She smiles, shaking her head and wonders just how much damage Kili could have done in her absence.

FINIS

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**A/N: **Ghiluz Durin = Durin's Day (from The Dwarrow Scholar's website, an excellent reference).

Sorry to all who wanted to "rip those girls' hair out"; just imagine that's what their parents did to them at home. Let me know what you think by reviewing. Thanks to all who have read, reviewed, favorited, and followed. Thanks for all your encouraging comments, I truly appreciate them. Many thanks to my long-time writing buddy and Beta for this fic, BlueGnomeAlaska.

**QUESTION? **The next story "Death and Life" will start towards the end of the first week of October. It is 1 story with 2 sides. Do you prefer 2 long (4000+ words) or more smaller chapters within the 2 divisions? Let me know in a review or PM me.


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